Sending thoughts through the ether

Another morning

2010-10-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woken up from a dream that seemed so real that when you DO actually wake up, for the next 3 minutes your mind can't really comprehend reality? It's almost like your dream was the reality and waking up was the dream... It's a scary thought if you actually think about it.

This made me cry. I definitely do think about these sort of things, whereas I feel most people after the relationship has ended reflect back on it and wish "Why couldn't I have done more?"

I scry into the future and see what is coming, which is why when I look at whatever relationship (human or otherwise) sometimes I get weird and emotional, because I know how the untimely ending is coming in a timely fashion.

A stir

2010-10-06T00:07:00.000-07:00

This passage is an excerpt from "Aish's Chronicle". It's a collection of short stories following Aish's travels and journeys as he learns more about himself and the universe. Without further ado...

Aish stirred in his sleep. For the past three months he has been restless, his soul anticipating something great, his mind unsure of what. Aish rose from sleep and pulled his sheets off of him and sat upright. He stretched his limbs, his eyes turning their gaze to out the window. He looked out into the night, the ominous feeling that had awoken him had thrummed under his skin again, roiling in his soul.

Why? Why? He always asked himself when he awoke. His soul never raged, his mind never raking himself over. It was a slow boil that seemed to be building and building... it seemed nearly impossible to have a full night's rest of sleep.

His hands found their way through to his pendant. His finger tracing it as it had done thousands of times before, almost as if in prayer. He breathed in through his nose and let out a slow exhale, his green eyes vanishing behind eyelids. His ears perked as a distant sound trembled just beyond outside of his door. Aish reeled his head quizzically, his muscles tensing and his fingers clenching against the sheets.

A deeper sound reverberated through his door, whatever was making that sound was close now. Aish slowly stood up from his bed and quietly made his way to the door. Every fiber of his being seemed to be in concert as he glided to the door like a shadow - seamlessly and without sound. Aish rested his back next to the door and waited with bated breath for the intruder to enter. It seemed like ages, but whatever was on the other side had stirred closer now. His door gave a slow hiss and had opened...

Aish wrenched his fist into a ball and was poised to strike... his nostrils sneered and his lip snarled as he turned to engage the intruder.

"Neru!?" exhaled Aish his body nearly collapsing from the release of tension.

A surprised look sweep'd his old friend's face. His hands immediately shot up and a low murmur erupted from his deep voice.

"Easy now Aish... it's just me.

A Whiter Shade of Pale

2010-10-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

I could get lost in this

2010-09-24T01:03:00.001-07:00

When the hell did I get so god damn old?

:(

2010-09-18T08:06:00.001-07:00

I wake up dreaming of you and I call it a nightmare.

How I often feel

2010-09-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

This air

2010-09-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

This air only comes in the dead of night. Gone for so long and never to be felt, only to reappear in the dead of night, with your mind sailing aimlessly through its own ocean of memories and waves of thought. This air comes for you and caresses you while your mind is preoccupied charting the its stars of faded dreams and clouds of thoughts.

This air, a gentle zephyr, guides your ship astray, pushes and pulls it off course into uncharted territories. The tides in your mind begin to shift in subtle ways, the ebb and flow of your ocean of memories draw you closer to a place you had sailed away from. This air... so subtle and pervasive steers you away from the aimless course of your stargazing to a sea you had sailed from long ago.

You draw your sails, you steer the boat away from the breeze, but you keep drifting closer. Ever closer.

This air only comes in the dead of night. Gone for so long and never to be felt, rolling down like a slow fog coming to envelope you and guide you back to where you belong.

I never write

2010-08-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

But I should... and I am now. I woke up this morning feeling very good, good enough to write an entry ;). I'll be moving to San Diego soon. I'm so uncertain of myself and my future, but here's a thought - one thing that does stabilize me about my future is knowing that I can't lose to some of my individual peers. Kinda weird, you think I'd want a solid future for myself and to be happy, but instead I just want one to be ahead of others haha. Oh well, different paradigm I suppose.

I'm also finding out more and more how radically different I think and feel from other people. I always thought that over time I'd sort of end up just being like everybody else, have I always been different or is this progress over time?

This morning I walked with Zephyr and Chunky outside. Sometimes we do this... I carry her in my arms and Chunky hovers around us with his round little (big) body. I take her to smell the flowers and she reaches out and tries to hold the flowers to smell them better. When they die, I think I'll remember subtle moments like that most.

My next post will be a story that I hope you silent nobodies will enjoy, after all - this is all for you.

Weird

2010-07-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

This almost always gets me when I see it. I hope you, the silent majority feel the same.

If I don't do this now

2010-07-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

If I don't do update now, I never will. I planned to update this blog with pictures of what I've been doing recently but... oh well. This will have to do.

Guilty pleasure

2010-06-03T12:34:00.001-07:00

So my guilty pleasure that I'm going to admit is that I love this song.

Someone who has changed my life.

2010-06-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

I recently (like 2 seconds ago) wrote an email to my TA in music, from late September to mid December, telling him how much of an impact he's made on my life in music. Hit the jump for the email.

Kick ass idea

2010-06-02T09:54:00.000-07:00

I just had this bad ass idea for a guitar. For those who don't know much about guitar, sorry it may be confusing. I've been playing a lot of guitar lately and not just the kind where I look up songs online to impress girls and learn the tabs, but I've actually been learning the in's and out's of a guitar and its frets.
Anyways, I have this idea and I think it would be amazing if I could somehow make it. One day, I will.

Ok, so this is my idea. I think that there should be a fretless guitar, and instead where you'd find the indicators of which fret it is (the little white dots) the entire thing would just be one entire long scene of images, in a way like Ancient Egypt's hieroglyphics. It's hard to put into words what I'm imaging... but just picture the guitar neck without any frets or fret indicators and all up and down the neck there were just images everywhere. Not for every fret, but just an entire array of different images, maybe depicting something important (to you) or maybe just a bunch of different images you want.

Now here's where it gets (mildly) interesting. There are some important points on the fretboard of a guitar, such as G on the low E string, or the 12th fret of every E string (indicating an octave) and so on and so forth. Now without frets or fret indicators, that would be hard to imagine where these notes are (although violinists do it all the time). What I think instead, is that with the hieroglyph of images, these manuscripts of images parading up the neck of your guitar, I think that certain points of the images should indicate important points of your guitar. They can be whatever part of the image you choose for them to be.

For example... let's say you have your guitar depict your life. In every scene, let's say your hand, wherever it is, indicates a G. So if you ever were looking for a G, just look for your hard in the images. Etc etc... there's so many ways you can do this, such as a 5th above whatever note you were playing could be a star, or the eye of a snake, or the hilt of a sword. So more than the images just being aesthetically pleasing and customized just for you, they could also be pragmatic and useful, giving them utility.

This is my idea, please don't steal it. If you're going to use it, at least ask me first for permission.

Dreams

2010-05-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

I saw you phase through the ether. I saw your brands, I felt your shame.

Our eyes, magnets with the same charge... trying so hard to match, but never once locking.

We pass by - the tension would tear planets asunder.

You whispered words inaudible words, but I felt them.

'Live lively'

Happy Memorial Day / Weekend!

2010-05-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

Hope you non-existant viewers are enjoying it!

This weekend my brother had prom. He was nominated for Prom King.

Differences

2010-05-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

I think one of my absolute favorite things in life is being surprised. Some people hate it, I love it. Which is why I think people who aren't surprising are (for me) the worst kind of people. I hate predictable. I hate it.

Which is why seeing something like this, is always so heartwarming.

Humor me not

2010-05-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

My friends and I share a very specific type of humor - one that is difficult for me to put into words. It's been described as ridiculous, stupid, (for me in particular - raw), unusual, take your pick. Our sense of humor isn't based on a clever pun, it's not based on crude language or gestures. It's more along the lines of... humor based off of keen observations at very particular angles to make the entire 'situation' absurd.

I have one friend who said that our humor makes us one of a kind, it makes our humor better than other peoples. I don't necessarily share this view.

I think it just makes it hard to relate to other people.

Sometimes I stay up

2010-05-20T01:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I stay up late at night. Real late. Sometimes 'till 4. I don't know why... I think it's because I hate sleeping. I hate sleeping with a passion. Why? Because of my limited time on this planet. The only one morbid fear I have is of time. Time is something that is never replaced ever.

EVER.

There is nothing you can do to ever retrieve time. It's part of the reason why I don't do drugs or drink, I don't want to lose track of time or memories (my memory is already bad enough as it is). Memories are the only documents we have that time has passed, that things are real - and even our memories are subject to the erosion of time.

I understand that sleep is a good thing and it replenishes the body and gives us a break... but our time on this rock in space is so finite. It's so precious and limited it hurts. It's almost a cruel joke, to give us life and to take it away and cast us to the void and oblivion that is death.

On a lighter note, I just bought a drumset! That's pretty nice!

But I'm gonna die before I know it so what's the point?

...

Just kidding.

**Edit
It seems that lately when I do sleep it's never very well either.

Love Dog

2010-05-15T09:17:00.000-07:00

There aren't many bands that I'm very zealous about, but TV on the Radio is definitely one of them.

They have this one song that is absolutely... rapturous.

I absolutely implore you to close your eyes... and listen.
Lonely little love dog that
No one knows the name of
I know why you cry out
Desperate and devout

Timid little teether
Your eyes set on the ether
Your moon in a bella luna and
Howling hallelujah

Nameless you above me
Come lay me low and love me
This lonely little love dog
That no one knows the name of

Curse me out in free verse
Wrap me up and reverse this
Patience is a virtue
Until it's silence burns you

And something slow
Has started in me as
Shameless as an ocean
Mirrored in devotion

Something slow
Has sparked up in me
As dog cries for a master
Sparks are whirling faster

Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the ways of
Where the land is low is
Where the bones will show through

Lonely little love dog
That no one knows the days of
Where the land is low is
Where the water flows to
And holds you

Happy Birthday

2010-05-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear Brian,
Happy birthday to me.

Now blow out the candles and make a wish.

FINALLY!

2010-05-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY benchpressed 225lbs for 3 sets of 10 reps. FINALLY!!!

I've been trying to do this for 4 years now!!!

Melancholy

2010-05-04T13:15:00.000-07:00

I feel this song.
"Up on melancholy hill
There's a plastic tree
Are you here with me
Just looking out on the day
Of another dream

Well you can't get what you want
But you can get me
So let's set up and see
'Cause you are my medicine
When you're close to me
When you're close to me

So call in the submarine
'Round the world will go
Does anybody know
If we're looking out on the day
Of another dream

If you can't get what you want"

Then you come with me

Up on melancholy hill
A manatee?
Just looking out on the day
When you're close to me
When you're close to me

When you're close to me

Random muse

2010-05-04T00:53:00.000-07:00

Because I can't sleep tonight, I write. I've almost forgotten how much I love writing. Some people can draw, some can play music, but I write. I like writing, it allows me to tell a story, complete with message, characters, and narration, and convey it to people, yet still give them the freedom to interpret it how they want.

I'm listening to Radio - How to Disappear Completely and listening to the lyrics, I'm... astounded at how haunting they are. If you're interested in my thoughts on them, here they are.
"That there
That's not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the Liffey
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

In a little while
I'll be gone
The moment's already passed
Yeah it's gone
And I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here

Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
I'm not here
This isn't happening
I'm not here
I'm not here"

I think it's so captivating to write from the perspective of someone who simply will accept no responsibility in life whatsoever. Now hear me out when I say responsibility. This individual will accept no burden in life, none whatsoever, they are the perfect introvert. This individual keeps saying "I'm not here", and the way I read it is in the tone of someone who is having a nervous breakdown or cannot deal with reality and keeps saying "I'm not here... this isn't happening". This person will accept no responsibility or burden of others, this person will not accept the weight that it comes to be in public, to witness something good or bad, the weight of anything really. They are the element of air to an extreme. This person goes where they please, but the second catastrophe happens, they say "I'm not here"as a mantra and simply whisk away.

The one question I want to ask this person, is how can you live with yourself? Knowing that you're simply turning away from all ties, both social and simply physical. To simply always drift away from everything, how can you do it?

Strangely enough... I feel like I've been drifting away too. The irony.

A Figure in the night

2010-05-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

Her eyes began to go vacant as she entered shock and drifted into the ether. She closed them slowly and the tears streaked her face silently... her mind mind was beginning to be torn asunder and she was too weak to stop it.

Silently and without warning, a figure appeared in front of her.

'Why are you crying?' the Figure whispered.

"Because... I have lost everything... everything. Everything I held dear is... gone..." she finished with an exasperated breath.

She fell to her knees and placed both palms on the ground, her hands trembling. The Figure lowered itself to her level.

'What have you lost?'

"...everything" she responded weakly.

'Why have you lost everything?'

She closed her eyes even tighter.

'Why have you lost everything?'

"Because... I could not hold onto it all..."

She fell to her side crying uncontrollably as she uttered the last words. Every thought, memory, and vision seemed to seize her at once as she sobbed without seeming end in sight. Her body wretched and convulsed and she was quickly losing consciousness.

The Figure slowly moved closer and brushed her hair away from her face. The Figure whispered.

'Why don't you retrieve it?'

This time she would not reply, too weak to turn sounds into syllables, syllables into words.

The Figure lifted her up as her body twitched and jerked silently. The Figure whispered again.

'You have not lost me.'

Passing thoughts in the night

2010-04-27T01:40:00.000-07:00

As a child, I played baseball.
I hit the ball as to not be hit.

As a teenager I ran track.
I ran as to not be caught.

As an adult, I think.
I think as to not feel.

Baying at the Moon

2010-04-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

"The Wolf held his head lofty to the sky, another night without the Moon he thought. The cold breeze swept by and caressed him gently and he took in. Another night without the Moon he thought.

It had been months since he had last seen the Moon, nestled in darkness, entangled in stars, enveloped in rapture.

The Wolf had missed the Moon dearly, he had taken it's beauty and splendor for granted, never once truly thanking it for all it had provided, overlooking it's majesty. He understood that the Moon did not need him. It waxed and waned when it chose to, it was full and was crescent when it pleased, but it never once needed him.

He had grown tired of the Sun. The Sun was beautiful in its own way, but did not provide the same candor that the Moon did. The Sun stayed for longer, revealed all for the Wolf to see, it even warmed his fur where the Moon would not.

Thoughts passed through his head, deep thoughts of longing and mourning. He wished so much with every ounce of his animal ferocity that the Moon would return. He wanted so badly for the moon to return to his eyes, to illuminate the darkest and coldest of nights, a companion to serenade, a lover to whisper secrets to.

Why? Why had the Wolf been so drawn to the Moon? The Sun was so much more loving, the Sun gave and asked nothing in return, while the Moon silently demanded tribute. The Sun never asked to be sung to, the Sun was never in the company of millions of stars, all millennia of years older in friendship than the Wolf. The Sun was never as fickle as to change shape when it pleased; No, the Sun was always full and gave its all every time.

The cold breeze surfaced again, this time gripping the Wolf. The Wolf had whined and laid his head close to the ground and waited for the breeze to pass by. He closed his eyes and could only imagine the moon. Where and why had it gone? Why had it left him? He ruminated on the myriad of possibilities, only finding doubt in each response he found...

One answer provided clarity.

He wished in a way he had not found the truth, but it seems, it had found him. The Wolf rumbled a low growl at the thought... and accepted the truth. His attraction to the Moon was animalistic in nature. It was sowed into the very fibers of his being. It was a fatal attraction. He was born under the cover of night and would run with the Moon at his back. He was born to be star-crossed lovers with the Moon.

He looked sideways and away from the blanket of night. He resented the truth and the Moon. How could the Moon turn away from him? Had he not shown love to the Moon? Had he not cherished and loved it with all his beast instincts had told him to? The Wolf let out a long sigh... the night was still dark, the stars still hung in the sky, the night wind still biting. The Wolf slowly stood up, sighed again, and shook the dirt off his fur.

He turned to walk home alone, wishing the Moon would stop him, would greet him as he turned away, to catch him in that perfect moment and relinquish all doubts, fears, and angsts.

He continued to walk in the omnipresence of the night.

He would return to the Sun the next day.

Bad news

2010-04-04T15:41:00.001-07:00

Sometimes news hits you like a freight train.

Or a bomb.

I'm deeply sorry for your loss old friend... You didn't deserve it.

Mark It in Blood

2010-03-29T17:13:00.001-07:00

-A paradigm shift

A word about Left 4 Dead

2010-03-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have to get this off my chest. I love the game Left 4 Dead, but the problem I have with the game is the fact that Left 4 Dead 2 exists. This royally pisses me off. The game has been around since November.

Left 4 Dead centers around 4 survivors of the Zombocalypse who make their way through various scenarios and ultimately up to a 'finale' where the have to survive lots of waves of zombies. When you're playing the game, the game sorta feels like a beta version of the game. Now don't get me wrong, I still enjoy it a lot. Nobody says you can't enjoy the beta version.

What pisses me off is the fact that Valve had promised lots of downloadable content for Left 4 Dead, such as new weapons, new campaigns, new special infected. So what's the problem? The problem is the fact that they didn't live up to their promise and instead less than a year after Left 4 Dead was released, they announced Left 4 Dead 2 and are charging full price for the game. That's ridiculous.

In the year that L4D was out, it got ONE campaign and a Last Stand mode that loses it's fun after awhile. What the fuck. Valve, this is bullshit and I respect you as a company and you're my favorite company, but fuck that. I love you so I am critical of you. I will not let this slide.

So after releasing L4D2, on the day of release they announced that they would be giving it DLC. What the fuck. So after a fucking year of release for L4D, you give it ONE campaign, and day of release you're all giddy and shitting yourself and already announce a campaign? That's something twisted.

But on the bright side, they announced that L4D would be getting a campaign in order to explain the L4D2 DLC (the L4D one characters meet up with the L4D2 characters). Now here's the twisted bit. Yeah, that's fucked up. Real fucked up. As a final spit in the face of those who still love L4D, you're killing off a cast member.

Real classy Valve, real classy.

Will

2010-03-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

I've been real busy lately. I've been playing a lot of tennis, like every day. I think I'm getting pretty good, I use a Prince Tour. My elbow and wrist normally hurt but I think I'm getting better. Also apparently Chunky my dog loves all the tennis balls I bring home.

I've also had finals this week, man... I really gotta pick it up next quarter. I'm worried my overall GPA is gonna fall below a 3.0. My goal is to get a 4.0 next quarter. Hopefully that'll save me from this quarter.

Also fuck stats.

"Someone's word is only as good as their will."

Time is a river

2010-03-03T22:21:00.000-08:00

Time is a river and at some point I lost my identity flowing downstream with it.

Too long

2010-02-28T12:02:00.000-08:00

Almost every day that passes by I always think about updating the blog, via computer or phone, but somehow I always manage to pass that opportunity by. This update will be a random one.

One idea that I had in my had about blogging and promised myself I would blog about was the idea that poorer people in America compromise the majority of the military's army; turning to the military for job security and a steady pay with upward movement. They always take the chance of going to war. It's interesting to think of it as them fighting for their freedom, maybe like an ancient gladiator. These people fight to escape the pressures of economic slavery, of being so wholly oppressed by money that they'd put their lives on the line via firefights just to escape it. Just an interesting angle to look at it from. The notion that today, in the 21st century, we still fight for our freedom (in one form or another).

Other than that a lot has happened. I can't keep track of it all. It flows by and I try and catch it and hold onto the precious memory, but I too and swept away in the river of Time.

One leaf of a memory that I held onto (perhaps because it fell onto me just recently) I cut myself with a knife by accident started bleeding. So I made a contract I had been mentally following which is to be 'extreme'. By being extreme, it's really just stepping outta your comfort zone and pushing yourself beyond your own boundaries and doing things you wouldn't normally do - for the sake of being extreme. So far I'm the only one to sign the contract in blood. I highly doubt anyone else will.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

My mother

2010-02-15T11:37:00.000-08:00

My mother is a beautiful woman. In a lot of ways, her and I are completely opposite. She has dark skin and the longest black hair I've ever known. It's funny, I realized a few months ago that that's how I've come to identify my mother... by her hair (and her jingle, but thats something else and when taken outta context, is extremely funny). When I'm lost in a crowd and I'm looking for her, it's her long black hair I catch first...

I wonder what other people develop as indicators of "mother". It's interesting to me that everyones' perception of mother isn't my own.

My mother once gave me the shirt on her back (this happened two weeks ago). She always makes me peanut butter and jelly sammiches when I'm home. Always tries to wash my clothes (and washes them out, so I try and stop her from doing that now). Whenever we're on trips she'll always hold my (for lack of a better word) crap, like empty bottles or wrappers.

She also gave me my fire.

For Valentines Day, I drove 45 minutes to go see her. My dad was overseas and couldn't do anything for her (I'm not sure if he would anyways, but that's just how their relationship works, know that love exists and show it, don't always have to say it). I bought her a rose and a lion doll with my color hair that stands up (my mom always says I have 'buckwheat' hair). I told her the rose was from my dad and the lion was from me.

She smiled and said I'm the only one who ever tells her I love her. My brother doesn't say it as much. I started saying it the day I realized one day my mother is going to die and I need to tell her as much as I can before she leaves. It's made her time remaining much more happier. I hope my brother will follow in suite.

I love my mother.

Beautiful girls

2010-02-07T17:28:00.000-08:00

Please listen.

Caught this song today. I thought you, the masses of no one, would love to hear.

My favorite lyric in the song is...

'They might say hi,
and I might say hey,
but you shouldn't worry about what they say,
'cause they got nothing on you baby
nothing on you baby.'

So please enjoy.

A lock with no key

2010-02-02T00:31:00.000-08:00

"The girl screamed and screamed and screamed until her vocal chords collapsed and she was rendered mute - then she kept screaming. She slammed her fists against the walls and pounded relentlessly... paying no heed to the impact of recoil of the wall against her fists. She damn near broke every bone in her tiny hands. She twisted, jerked, and wretched around in the room. She seethed with such fury that she felt like she could burst open every blood vessel in her brain and die instantly.

She knew she would never get that far. That in part, is what drove her mad. The simple, and yet so... profound of an idea, that she will never again reach the outside, and that these four walls are her world now. These four walls, with infinite space and imagination were her bastion. These invisible walls that held her so tight and gave her unprecedented freedom, is what pried at her very soul.

She was locked in her head and she had lost the key. She would never escape. She would be forever confined within the mental space within her head - the wind, the water, the earth and fire were elements she could only dream of.

Memories would be forever replayed over and over, sensations all forged into what she would imagine what they would feel like.

The thought that she would never taste a real cupcake again passed through her mind."

Exchanges between birds and foxes

2010-01-30T21:39:00.000-08:00

'The sun on your skin is love manifested through science.'

An egg

2010-01-25T22:22:00.000-08:00

Isn't it interesting to think that everything that makes you you, your personality, your memories, your quirks and quarks, are all contained in something as tiny as your head?

That's all it takes to contain everything you hold, is just your skull. Your brain. Your head.

Like an egg.

Like an egg, everything that is vital to contain you, is contained in that tiny spherical figure.

How precious.

How delicate.

Sundays like this

2010-01-24T15:19:00.000-08:00

I just caught myself look in on myself, seeing that I was in a sunny southern California day with bright blue skies, and a pool beneath us. We're both young and attractive males.

Life is good.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Dream

2010-01-22T10:12:00.001-08:00

I had a dream I was playing football again... it was pretty real. Made me late for class...

2010-01-22T00:18:00.000-08:00

Quick update.

I just realized, one of these days, I'm going to die.

Hm... interesting. One of these days, I will simply cease existing, and the world will be without me or what I have to offer.

Intriguing.

Threefold

2010-01-22T00:11:00.000-08:00

This will be 3 updates coalesced into one.

The first is, my friend asked me how she would feel if she were me for today. I thought this to be extremely profound, because it lets you take a step back, and be very real with yourself for a second and gives a great deal of insight into how you are feeling / perceive yourself.

Try it, but be honest with yourself.

The second is it's really rainy lately, my umbrella flipped inside out, so I faced the wind and made it right again. Then I looked ahead on the bridge I was walking on, and the same thing happened to this girl walking by, she did the same thing and walked by and we smiled at each other. Stranger's moments like that are always something to be cherished.

Finally, I've found my fire again. I was looking for my fire from external sources and failed to realize, fire also comes within.

Wit

2010-01-20T11:28:00.000-08:00

I recently discovered one of, what I personally find, to be one of the most attractive qualities in someone. If a person is witty, and their humor is sharp and quick, I've found I am almost instantly attracted to that person. Humor is a big thing for me since I laugh a lot, and if I can appreciate jokes from wherever they come, even if they are directed at me.

Humor to me, is objective, and favors no party.

Objective humor is objective.

That's how I view a lot of things, even if objective humor smacks me up and down.

Pride

2010-01-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

Pride is like currency to be spent. You can store it all up if you want, but in the end you'll end up losing it anyways. Better to take chances and gamble with it, you never know, you may end up winning more than you previously had.

The affliction of fire

2010-01-15T00:29:00.000-08:00

Fire is an element that inherently consumes. Fire cannot sustain itself without devouring (scientifically) 2, (3) things if you wanna be specific.

Oxygen, some sort of fuel, and a spark. Whether it 'consumes' the spark is up to you.

The 'affliction of fire' is something that certain individuals are affected with.

The affliction of fire is something that is innate to fire. It's a gift with a price. A burden with benefits. Whatever you wanna call it, it is what it is ultimately.

Now what does it even mean?

The gift / burden of fire means that you will always consume, for the rest of your life. The price it consumes with? You'll never be satisfied. Ever.

There's a difference between being satiated and satisfied. By satisfied, I mean truly satisfied. One's desire can be satiated for the time being, you can have sex and sigh a relief that it satisfied the urge - that's satiation. To be satisfied is to attain something, and be completely and ultimately happy with it, and want nothing more or less.

Some might argue that all people are never truly 'satisfied'. This may be true... I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I mean it in the sense that goes deeper than the surface level of satisfied. It's almost like a pit in your soul that cannot be filled.

The affliction of fire demands you do great and tremendous things both small and large, no matter what the fire in you drives you to push harder, drive further, to take yourself to levels most can only speak of in legend. The drive and passion that fire carries is not seen in other elements, it's an a lot of ways, unworldy (like the sun.) All other elements are native based, they are terrestrial. They are grounded and understandable... but fire is an uncommon element. A rare element. It belongs to the sun, it belongs to energy found deep within the earth hidden away from sight or high in the sky, always to be seen. It is not native to the ground like earth, air, or water.

Fire is an element to be regarded with an awe.

This is why we huddle next to fire and watch it dance to and fro, feel it's warmth against our bodies, watch it lick the air alive just to dwindle down and rise high again.

This is why we fear fire, we run when fire rages, we are scorned when it burns, we quell it when it gets too outrageous and tries to consume everything.

Fire is a dichotomous element.

The affliction of fire drives the afflicted to do grand things. To push themselves where no one else dare tread, but at the same time, it drains the afflicted. Once they have conquered lands untouched, they move on ever forward in an endless cycle. They are never satisfied, they are always driven to keep going, they can never cease, they push on endlessly. This isn't something they choose. They are afflicted with fire. Fire is entwined into their soul, it is such an integral part of their soul that to rip it asunder would simply leave the afflicted soul stripped and barren. It is a symbiotic relationship, and to deem it a parasite is to completely undermine every good thing fire does for their soul.

The affliction of fire is to be admired and pitied, all at the same time.

What a majestic creature

2010-01-13T14:24:00.001-08:00

I will love you always.

Time

2010-01-12T15:20:00.000-08:00

All things will eventually settle. All dust settles. All wars end whether you think they do or not. Life ceases to exist at some point. All things end. I know this.

When someone tells you 'It's ok, it'll be over soon. Don't worry.'

I understand their intention. They want to reassure you that it's ok, that your failures are but a mere moment in time, and yes, there is wisdom to be found in this.

But the real and true question lies in -- how long?

How long until the dust settles? How long till the war ends? How long till life ends? See... the question isn't 'Are we going to die?' The answer is yes. The emotions, the fear, the hysteria is drawn from our innate phobia temporalis.

I'm not interested in correcting your advice to anyone, you can tell them whatever you want. I only ask that when someone is in distress because of something like this, simply adorn the mindset of 'How long?' and then imagine staring into a void, an ocean, something endless, and ask yourself the same question again.

Then you can understand.

A syllable

2010-01-08T15:06:00.001-08:00

Isn't it exciting to know that when you're in an airport you're only one syllable away from mass hysteria?

Time is like sand

2010-01-08T01:22:00.000-08:00

You know, I never thought about how much time and sand are similar (I know, the whole hour glass thing, but i think it goes beyond that). I was thinking (as I often do) about how much time has passed from, really pick any point in time that has already passed, and think about the memories of that certain moment forged.

Now think of that memory as being a sandcastle when it was formed, we used sand (time) to forge it so it could remain solid in our minds. As time wears on, the memory becomes fuzzier, the sand grains begin to break off and return to whence they came, and in the end - we are ultimate left with a hazy memory of the general shape of what it was. No matter how grand it was.

Unless you have photographic memory, well then fuck you.

But yeah, I mean... time passes on and simply seeps through the spaces inbetween our fingers. We cling on to these moments like they mean something, but in the end, they will pass, and the desert will reclaim what it is its. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't make sand castles -- they're still a lot of fun to make. It's simply funny to think of time and sand.

Time continues to tick, and sand continues to fall and dissemble itself. Memories we have begin to fade, and seem so far away... oh so far away. There are some things that I swear on my life I remember like it happened 2 seconds ago, but I mean... really... how accurate can you be? With pictures or video, we can be more sure, but it's never really quite the same as you had once thought it to be.

So! Let me put it all into context... I was driving on my way back to college and was deep in thought (as I often am) and thought of high school 4 years ago. The things I had then, the ideas I held so high, the people I held so dear, the girl I held so close - had all... changed in some fashion. I mean to say... none of them were quite the same. This is natural - things change with time. The metaphor my mind had conjured was me walking through an ancient ruin of a city I had once created. Now looking back at it, and looking at it's altered state and how much time has taken its toll on this ruined city was simply... shocking. Thinking about that led me to the imagery of me in a desert, a completely open desert, trying to build together everything I had and simply watching it - all fall through my fingers. The sand sifted through my fingers no matter how hard I would try to put it the way it was.

Some would argue that change isn't a bad thing. Think of all the new things that have come out of it. While I do agree, you're missing my point.

The point is simply that the possibility, the very possibility, of restoring things to the way they were before, in their previous condition, is simply never an option. Ever (notice I bolded AND underlined it). Returning to that specific point in time, experiencing all those emotions at that time, will never be an option - and THAT, to me, is a simply tragic thing. It's like seeing your child being hauled away while you are on the other side of a gate with your arm outstretched reaching for them. All you can do is try and remember their face as it was.

and even that in the end...

will change.

How strangely...powerful

2010-01-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

Fumaga is a site that has simply random pictures that are designed to make you laugh (for the most part).

This was strangely powerful for me.

Hit the jump to get my take on it.

To see pictures of yourself (or someone else) and what you were like at that point, not only physically - but emotionally, spiritually, anything else -ally - is a deeply... provoking experience. These people, or rather - all people, travel through the river that is Time, battling the tides, idling in the ebb and flow, creating and forging ripples that are memories with those both loved and hated, and to see the end result is simply...

Moving.

Happy New Years!

2010-01-01T10:10:00.000-08:00

and to everyone (or more like anyone) reading, I hope you don't think 2010 is a year of new possibilities and adventures.

Every year is, 2009 was, and even 2011 was. So don't promise yourself that you're going to make 2010 the year to live.

Instead, promise yourself you'll make - not every year - but every moment you can, one worth living.

2009-12-26T23:41:00.000-08:00

"Your base warriors are complete crap with out the space buffalo to lead them."

This quote is the funniest thing I've heard all day, especially when taken outta context.

Original post

Sometimes

2009-12-26T23:30:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I want to evaporate into smoke. Simply close my eyes, fall backwards a little, and simply fade into a smoky trail of nothing. I don't mean this in a negative way. I just think it'd be cool. I think I'd like to reappear in Barnes and Noble.

A thought

2009-12-24T16:40:00.000-08:00

The girl enters the café with a hood on and a largely large jacket. It's obvious she is trying to dress incognito as the viewer cannot distinguish her facial features. She looks very suspicious as she her hooded form looks around and she hurries to sit down at a table with a man and his laptop already there. The camera takes a look at his face briefly. She sits opposite of him, and from her satchel pulls out a laptop and pulls it open. She fidgets with her computer and the camera slowly pans around over her shoulder and looks at her screen then pauses (this I'd all done in one take). The screen displays a video chat with the man across from her, face. The camera continues to pan around counter-clockwise and now over the mans shoulder. While the camera is panning the woman is removing her veils, and when the camera settles over his shoulder and looks at his screen, the woman is seen to be just finished with pulling her hood off and looks directly at the camera through the screen and she smiles warmly and mouthes 'Hey you...'.

Is it really Tuesday?

2009-12-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile hasn't it? I always told myself 'Today I'll update', but... of course nothing happened of it. Also, I've had a lot of thoughts flowing through my head but... I think updating about what goes on through my head is getting rather old. Instead I'll update about what's going on currently in life.

More recently I've been Christmas shopping. I've made a pathetic Christmas list for what people want this year, but in the end, of course of course the things I want are 5x larger than I could make for anybody else's list. Yeah, also when I go shopping, all I find is more things I want. I went shopping with my friend Jessica and I felt a bit more confident - in shopping for my mom that is. My mom is quite possibly the hardest person to shop for, if she doesn't like the gift on the spot, she will tell you right then and there then whine and complain that I messed it up and essentially ruin the spirit of Christmas (also doesn't help that my Dad straight up ASKS me every Christmas what I want and goes out and gets it - so much for surprise?)

Oh! We had a huge LAN party at my house this past Friday I believe. It was really fun. For those of you who don't know, a LAN party is a Local Area Network party, which means a buncha nerds get their computers together and play all by each other and chortle and chuckle in close proximity. I had a blast.

After Christmas, I go on a road trip from the 27th - 31st up to Washington (I hope we meet Valve!) I'm excited for it, but in a way I'm not. There are people I still want to hang with here, and I'm worried that between those days they'll want to hang out and I'll miss that opportunity. Oh well that's the price I pay - one opportunity taken is a million more closed (and also a million more opened).

Finally, I HATE that I instinctively know to put my alarm on 'Snooze' when it goes off. I seriously wish there was a more complex way of turning it off like, solving a puzzle. Not like Sudoku or anything (I'll grow apathetic and simply just go to sleep through the ringtone) but like, switches, levers and gears I had to manipulate. I know it's overtly complex and ridiculous and while I'm doing it I'll hate myself but - hey, it'd get the job done.

A simple quote

2009-12-18T01:40:00.000-08:00

This is a quote I've come across that I find so provocative in more ways that I can fathom.

"Cruelty and generosity are but the impulse of a moment. Beauty and sensuality are virtues that can be expressed in bloodshed just as easily as in song. To an unfettered Eldar mind there is neither sanity nor madness, but merely a wave of perfect existence fulfilled by its own savage momentum."

-Ralamine Mung,
Ordo Xenos.

Nightvision

2009-12-14T23:29:00.000-08:00

I fear we have lost our night vision. I walked under the stars, through cool brisk air and watched them. I watched them twinkle and shimmer, sparkle and fade and I thought to myself - how beautiful.

These stars, these celestial beings, who've guided sailors, travelers, and men of all sorts through straits too narrow or through seas uncharted. These stars who serve as bastions for gods, for canvases for demigods, and inspiration to mortals. It's these very stars that I look out upon, who have held their place for eons.

Men of all walks of life have served under these stars. Born under them, lived and died - under these same stars. Sun Tsu, Socrates, Galileo, Shakespeare, Kierkegaard, even Einstein, have all walked under and gazed upon these stars that I look at today.

But I fear we have lost our night vision. When I look out at the night, I know I don't look at even a fraction of them. I know the ones I see are but a shallow reflection of the depth and breadth of stars out there. I fear we have lost our night vision. I know there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand in all of the beaches of the world. I know this.

But I only see a handful.

Why can't I see the gods of old? Why can't I see heroes who were immortalized into the heavens? Why can't I see into vastness of the universe as generations before have?

I fear I have lost my night vision...

I've run with banshees

2009-12-13T22:19:00.000-08:00

I've run with banshees,
I've run through the night with them,
I've heard their wails,
I've seen their woes
and I've seen their smiles.

I've run with banshees through rain,
I've run with banshees to farther places,
traveled to unknown lands,
to meet unknown faces.

I've run with banshees to saturnalias,
where I met lovers of old dance a dance,
that's they've danced for decades.

Where I met others dance a dance,
and attract no one.

I've seen banshees become bacchae,
and lose themselves in ecstasy.
I've seen mortals don armor of old,
and become gods.
I've seen mortals don armor of old,
and become something less.

I've run with banshees,
I've run with banshees to lands of familiar,
to faces of similar,
I've run with banshees and heard their wails,
and I've seen their woes and smiles.

Wraithsight

2009-12-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

Wraithsight is a term that affects Wraithguards and Wraithlords in the Warhammer 40k universe. Let me make this very simple and say, Wraithguards/lords are big robots who have the spirits of dead people in them to make them run, but because they're halfway between dead and alive, they don't exactly see the universe as we do - the are caught between the physical and metaphysical realms.

Which makes them slow and seemingly unresponsive.

Why do I bring this up?

I believe some people have a form of Wraithsight. Well, I mean, not really, but just bear with me here. So, when I speak of Wraithsight and attributing it to people, I mean it in the sense where these people just don't seem to be concerned with time. It's almost like they're halfway here or present. I've found they daydream a lot, there responses are either slow or unusual. It's like time doesn't matter to them. For these people, it almost seems like this mortal coil of theirs is simply a passing phase, a brief moment in time amongst a million others.

I generally find that people with Wraithsight are quite easy going. If you don't catch up with them now - don't worry about it. It'll happen. 'Stop thinking so much' they'll say. These are the people who can sleep an entire day away and think nothing of it. These are the people who will pass up opportunities, casting faith into the wind and trusting that the opportunity will come again.

In one way, I envy them. They aren't caught in the turmoil of time. They operate free of time, free of constraint - free of restraint. Their whimsical ways seem to allow them to become - in some ways - more than I'll ever be. In other ways, not so much.

While they do operate without fear of time or loss of opportunity - they operate without fear of time or loss of opportunity. When I say this, I mean it in a way that it's a double-edged sword. Just because one is not concerned with time, doesn't mean that time isn't still affecting us all. It's like swimming with no fear of sharks - that doesn't mean that the sharks aren't necessarily there.

My mindset always takes into account all possible avenues - of all sizes and distances, chief among them being time and the opportunity of opportunity. I'm very aware of time and how little we have of it in life, and opportunity, and how opportunities passed are opportunities wasted. In retrospect, it's very funny the contrast between Eldar utilizing Wraithguards/lords, when pitted against their own views - as Eldar work fervently to accomplish as much as they can in the dwindling time they have.

Anyways, it was just a thought I had on my mind, people with radically different mindsets than mine. I thought I'd share it aloud to no one, but that's alright. It was shared, and if you choose to take a slice, please eat with me.

I could use the company.

Finished finals

2009-12-11T02:12:00.000-08:00

I finally finished my finals - and it feels great. I had 3, one music one that I didn't feel confident on at all, one for stats which I'm not very sure on, and a 10 page paper that I knocked out in 2 days for my religious studies class, which I'm not sure how sound my thesis is.

B-U-T I'M FINISHED!

LINNNEEE PIEEECEEE!!!

2009-12-07T23:17:00.000-08:00

So, this video has surfaced around the internet for awhile. This is exactly why I don't play Tetris, because the God of Tetris tries me in ways that I am simply not prepared for.

For the record though, the chubby one does a pretty good job!

Me

2009-12-06T20:30:00.001-08:00

A picture of myself I rather liked.

I'd pay good money for it

2009-12-02T17:40:00.001-08:00

The illustrator deserves credit!

An idea

2009-12-02T17:38:00.000-08:00

after recently being broken up with, the broken hearted boy walks home through the urban city while the camera leads the way filming him from the front and reversing to keep pace. During this scene, the Protagonist is wearing blue jeans, a vest, and a sweater or a heavy jacket of some sort with a high rise collar or a big hood. He has a small afro, or a very distinct hairstyle or color. He keeps walking, obviously distraught over being broken up with. After some time of walking (~15 seconds) he puts in his headphones, and sings along with the song aloud. During this, it seems as if he's actually singing the song.

The camera will cut to different angles of him singing, some shots will show people walking by staring at him as he is oblivious to their stares as he continues to sing aloud, muting the world around him, focusing on the sorrow in his heart. After he has sang the song till it's end, he pulls one earbud out, and the sound of the music is muted in one speaker to the audience, then he pulls the other out, and the music is gone, as if the audience were him, listening to the headphones. He turns and it's revealed he's home, as he sulks into his house, and he closes the door, it's obvious that his house is very lively and people are shouting and his mother says something funny when taken out of context, and the door shuts.

Stay with me baby

2009-12-02T16:01:00.001-08:00

Man I wish I could throw my voice around like Lorraine Ellison in the song 'Stay With Me'.

Man that woman can wail.

Of people and animals

2009-12-02T13:42:00.000-08:00

I love people who look like animals. I think it may be my imagination, but I start to find all these little things that they'll do that makes me connect them even MORE-SO to the animal they remind me of. I don't know why, but I get an absurd amount of pleasure from people who look like animals.

I love it.

P.S. I really like people who look like bears. Or otters.

I have a new favorite word

2009-11-30T19:53:00.001-08:00

and it's 'kabuki'. I'll try and use it as often as possible. Wish me luck.

**Edit: It's now been some days that have passed by and I have decided that the only way to actually use the word 'kabuki' is three-fold.

1) Talking about actual Japanese 'kabuki'.
2) Talking about Kabuki Joe from the failed Nintendo 64 game 'War Gods'
3) Talking about how using the word 'kabuki' is almost literally impossible.

61 great free apps

2009-11-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

All credit goes to Lifehacker for setting up this FANTASTIC list of awesome apps. Personally, I use...

Firefox
CCleaner
Dropbox
7-Zip
Open Office
Chrome
uTorrent
Gmail
Microsoft Security Essentials
Thunderbird
Imgburn
Picasa
Skype
Pidgin
iTunes (unfortunately)
AVG
Spybot Search and Destroy
Rainmeter

Well, I have or still do use those programs. Also for the record, why didn't they put Steam up there?

Kinda weird...

For the full jump, check it out!

Steam deals

2009-11-27T13:22:00.000-08:00

I fucking love Steam and Valve. For Black Friday, they're doing a CRAZY Steam sale. By crazy, I mean EFFING crazy!

Check it out! It's seriously worth it guys, I personally own Dawn of War II and Red Faction Guerilla, and those games alone are worth $50. The fact that ALL THOSE GAMES TOGETHER are packaged together for $50 is beyond words for me.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T13:22:00.000-08:00

A picture of my family and I at Thanksgiving, hope you all had a good one!

The eccentric and absurd

2009-11-26T10:35:00.001-08:00

I know the name of the game is to hate the eccentric and absurd, but I simply cannot abide by this when it comes to certain people. For example, Lady Gaga. I completely understand why people would hate her - attention whore, just another Prince or Madonna, looking to get her 5 minutes in the spotlight, fake, hypersexualized, the list can go on.

I would like to look the other way at what she does.

To me, Lady Gaga symbolizes everything that we all secretly want. I know, I know, if anyone actually reads this blog, they'll probably already be disgusted at me saying that and stop reading, but for the bold of mind, please continue on and give me the opportunity to explain. Lady Gaga to me, symbolizes what we all want, completely unfettered and out there, really doing what the individual in us wants, when we want attention, we want attention. To me, Lady Gaga wants attention, SHE GETS ATTENTION. If you hate her for that, I think your hate should be redirected to those are GIVING her the attention. If you want something gone, give it no reason to exist.

But yeah, to continue on, Lady Gaga stands out alone from the rest, she sings louder and better than most, she stands out as a performer and an eye-catcher, she does what she does better than almost anyone else. Yet we continue to hate her for being weird, for wearing stupid things, for having stupid hair or glasses. That to me is stupid, I think instead we're all too fucking afraid to wear what we really want. We're constantly caught in the fear of looking stupid - I'll be the first to admit I am. We're all worried that we aren't good enough, we try and please others for... what? For their approval for our continued existence? At the end of the day, you'll still be you, and you will continue on with or without their approval, so why even ask it?

Lady Gaga (to me) doesn't ask anymore, she has cut out the middle man and simply does what she does for whatever reason she may do. We live in a society that binds itself to itself and essentially creates cohesiveness and in essence, weighs itself down (not necessarily a bad or good thing, it simply is). We create these rules for which we all choose to abide by (once again, not a bad or good thing, just a thing) and I guess ultimately I'm saying it's very nice and refreshing to see someone break the mold and stand out.

Anyways, here is my favorite song by her. I hope you enjoy.

Lollipops and the breeze

2009-11-25T13:10:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on a stone staircase sucking on a lollipop that's a little too big for my mouth listening to the breeze and watching clouds.

There actually aren't any clouds.

I don't know why I thought there were. But there is a breeze. And a lollipop. But now it's not too big for my mouth.

There's also the passage of time.

An outlet

2009-11-24T10:03:00.001-08:00

An avenue, a venue, a way, a path, a notion, a thought, a smell, a sound, a love, a hate, a cliche.

Just another place for me to get it out. I hope this one works. I hope they all work. But I hope this one works too. I hope, I hope.

But I'll keep this one secret.

Just for me.

and You.